Monthly Archives: July 2016

Good Touch, Bad Touch

A quite (in)sensitive world we live in, which makes it imperative to foster a healthy mind-set in the budding minds. With the increasing malicious and damaging nature of people or specifically men, crime rate is rising exponentially. Common victims for the offenders are children, old people who can’t thwart and women who can be overpowered (in terms of strength) (no intention of discrimination). Toddler cases have been upsurging lately with daily reports of sexual harassment and child rapes in various cities. This serves as an impetus for the society for the rapid changes to be brought in the upbringing of the next generation kids.

Generally, people aren’t aware what needs to be done when they become parents. Whatever knowledge new parents have is from their previous generation. I feel too young to comment on “Parenting”. Still, after a thorough research on the internet, the best practices to be adopted should be in the following lines:-

  • Making them aware about their body at a young age (2 years old).
  • Teaching them basic anatomy.
  • While bathing them, rule should be – no one touches their private parts covered by undergarments.
  • Fathers should avoid bathing their daughters around the age of 8-10.
  • Making them realize you are always there to listen to any problems they’ll face, thus nurturing candid relationship.
  • Inculcate the right to say ‘no’ if they are uncomfortable about any bad touches.
  • Good touch – hugs and kisses from mommy, father, grandparents.
  • Bad Touches – holding tightly, kissing on the lips and touching the private parts, taking them to the washroom without parental guidance.

Note – Children should know that even relatives can fall in any category, so it’s better to communicate. Also, you need to educate them time to time, it’s a continuous process.

While you practice these regular habits as your child is growing up, until he/she is older than 5 years of age, more specific habits could be –

  • Making them believe they are the soul owners of their body
  • Quite famous ‘Swimsuit Rule’- whatever is covered by a swim suit is private and no one is allowed to touch that.
  • Teaching these safety habits
    1. Do not touch other person’s private body parts and vice versa.
    2. Do not allow any person to take your clothes off or click pictures/videos.
    3. Do not see naked photos/videos.
    4. Say no/Call for help/scream/run away fast from the place of bad touches.
    5. Always share these with parents and trusted adults.
    6. Parents should avoid changing clothes in front of the kids.

This outlays some basic habits to be followed. Its delivery depends upon your communication with your child. Happy Parenting

Lavish Garg

Sexed pe Charcha!!!

I think the topic of ‘Sex education in India’s like the relationship status of most male engineering students: It is complicated. Generally, the kids are taught this subject by the teacher from Naughty America. Those who don’t have such resources grow up thoroughly confused about the topic. I think this is what happened with our poor 50-year-old virgin Bhai from Bollywood. He didn’t know about sex, that’s why he was beating his girlfriend and getting on street dwellers instead. He recently compared his training for boxing with rape, equating a heinous crime with a sport. He is not wrong as for many in India, as it is a game where age is no bar, for some in Delhi it is a recreational group activity. Mulayam Singh also enlightened us by saying “boys will be boys; you can’t hang them for a mistake like rape,”.  Of course, you can make mistakes in a ‘sport’ right?, and the best part is you won’t even get a penalty for making mistakes in this sport as the referee is blind and is busy fixing her faulty weight balance.

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Can educating people about sex and making it less taboo a topic help reduce the cases of rape? According to the very educated khap panchayat in Haryana: of course not, it is more to do with the length of the girl’s skirt or the amount of chowmein that the boy had. So this is another Chinese product which is screwing many people in India. I say we have more children and cross China’s population to become no. 1 and teach them a lesson. You say this will further increase the already existing problems of poverty and unemployment? I say collateral damage.

Talking about a different kind of rape: marital rape, the one in which you call your rapist “Aji sunte ho”. The govt. recently decided not to criminalize marital rape. Many Indians think that marital rape doesn’t apply in the Indian context.  They are right, in an Indian context a ‘No’ means ‘Yes’. Remember the extra poori that you are force fed even when you constantly say that you are full? – It is the same thing, except that this is a poori which can keep your stomach full for 9 months. Plus how can it be called rape if it is after marriage, isn’t wife the husband’s property? A property for which instead of paying he gets money. Are people out of their mind asking to criminalize marital rape, what will they ask next – ‘equal rights for men and women’? Stupid right?

Last year, our then-health minister Dr. Hash Vardhan said that ‘sex education’ in school should be banned. There are a lot of positives that can come out of this move, like HIV. And he is a doctor; this speaks volumes about how great our education system in general is. The education system where a girl topper said political science (read prodigal science) is about cooking. I guess she had her priorities set right and knew what she would be doing after growing up.

I see merit in these arguments. Why should we go against our Indian culture and corrupt the mind of young children by teaching them about physical changes, gender identity, consent, awareness about sexual abuse, birth control measures, and prevention of AIDS and STDs? This is not at all required; let us look at some statistics to prove this point. National AIDS Control Organization estimated that 2.39 million people live with HIV/AIDS in India in 2008–09, so what? This would never happen to someone we know. Government commissioned survey has found that 50% of children in India are subjected to sexual abuse. This is alright, so if you have a boy and a girl, there is a good chance that one of them was abused. It can’t be the boy because males cannot get abused (don’t show me the numbers, I know it doesn’t exist), so it will be the girl. And who cares about girl child, Isn’t it enough that she was kept alive, aren’t we asking for too much here?

For every 1,000 girls aged 15 to 19, there were 76 adolescent mothers in India in 2010 compared to16 in Pakistan. See ‘Mauka Mauka’, and you want to take that away from India by teaching our children about birth control measures, no way. People who use condoms should be termed anti-national, like what Gyandev Ahuja, a BJP MLA, was doing when he counted condoms in JNU campus to prove how anti-national the students were. Way to go, Mr. Ahuja, we are proud of you.

What else do you want to teach our children? About homosexuality, and that it is perfectly normal and a choice that an individual makes? Bullshit, it is a disease that can be cured by ‘Anulom Vilom’, or as the Baba on TV would put it ’by eating green chatni with samosa’. And whatever they need to know about this subject, they are well taught by our homophobic Bollywood. I hope whenever they see two men holding hands, ‘eee kanta bhen’ plays in their mind. And if you want us to be more forward, I feel we are getting there.  I see people posting “I am gay” whenever they see someone else’s FB account open, and I feel proud at how progressive we have become.

So, let us put an end to this debate. Even though we are born out of sex, we have no right to teach the children of this nation about it. PERIOD. Sorry, full stop, we are not allowed to talk about periods as well.

– Ankit Khaitan

Child abuse and YOU!

child abuse - ThatMate

Sex education from school age is the need of the hour…

The rates of reporting and disclosing a history of child sexual abuse are increasing. In cases of child sexual abuse, a child needs to be “Trusted, Believed and Helped”. Children do not have the language to describe what they have gone through and adults don’t understand what the child is trying to say.

Sexual abuse of a child refers to any sexual contact between an adult and child or between two children when one of them is significantly older than other or uses force or threat to secure child’s participation for the others sexual gratification.

Sexual abuse can involve behaviour over an extended time or a single incident.

There are two types of behaviors in abuse- 1) Non touching 2) Touching

Non touching behaviors could take various forms such as watching sexual videos or pornography films with a kid, forcing a kid to listen to sex talks or making obscene phone calls, taking seductive or sexual photographs, exhibitionism, and voyeurism. Non touching behavior is often used by offenders to ‘set the scene up’ for further sexual abuse.

The touching behavior relates to direct touch in private areas such as breasts, buttocks or genitals, whether the victim is dressed or undressed. Vaginal or anal penetration with an object or finger, vaginal or anal intercourse also falls under touching behaviour. The figure shows the target areas.

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Abused children manifest a variety of emotional, behavioural, and somatic reactions.

Behavioural complaints are nightmares, bedwetting or fear of dark. Children become uncomfortable or fearful and distant with someone formerly liked by them. They become excessively clingy. They start expressing sexual knowledge that is not appropriate for the child’s age. Older Children may have anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, low self-confidence, poor scholastic performance, running away from home, suicidal attempts, sexual harm to other children.

Physical indicators are frequent abdominal pain, bleeding, headache, genital or anal irritation, pain, bruises on breast, buttocks, and thighs; torn, stained, bloody underwear. They could even lead to pregnancy, repeated urinary tract infection, or even sexually transmitted diseases like HIV.

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How can you protect your child?

Talking helps! Teach your kids to speak up if they feel uncomfortable. Talk using simple language, try to understand their emotions. Teach them to differentiate between good and bad touch. Never force them to hug or kiss friends or relatives to whom they don’t want to be with. Teach them to say ‘No’ in such conditions. Intervene if they are unable to say no. Show that you trust them. Be cautious of people giving extra attention to children. You should be available for your kids at all times.

Who should the child inform about the abuse?

Ideally the child should inform about this abuse as soon as possible to someone he/she trusts. They can also inform about the abuse to the people in their safe zone. They can inform parents, teachers, doctors, counselors and social workers about the abuse.

If your child is abused Don’t panic. Don’t criticize the child. Don’t make the child feel guilty about what happened. Tell the child that it’s not his/her mistake and provide all the needed support.

As a psychiatrist I have seen patients of depression, anxiety, personality problems, sexual dysfunction that have history of childhood sexual abuse. That incident has long lasting effect on their psychology. So consult a doctor or a counselor for child’s physical and emotional wellbeing. Take a stand against the abuser.

There are increasing events of rape, child sexual abuse, sexual harassment at work place. Long term and effective solution to this is sex education right from school age. Thatmate.com is a platform to talk and to create awareness about sex education.

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Dr. Jyoti Jagtap ( The Psychiatrist )   

Doctor by occupation…no not a fake one like Ross😛..a real doctor!! A Photographer whenever she gets a chance to click. An actor..on and off the stage.. And a writer in making…

No More Buzzing Bees for Next Generation

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There are two things which annoy me a lot, when people waste food & when people shy away from the word sex.

We need to stop wasting food people and start talking about sex!

The first time I came to know how babies are born I was in my science class at the age of 12. And if my memory serves me right, I never got the birds and bees talk from my family members or any talk at all about safe sex. Actually, the first time anyone ever spoke about sex with me in my family was my mom, after I got married, at the age of 27. This is a huge gap of not talking about something that is of so much evolutionary importance.

Have you ever noticed how our parents will never use words like sex or intercourse when they talk to us about sex? They have their own set of words like; hope things went well last night? When are you planning for a baby? If the gap of not talking about sex ever till your late twenties didn’t already make you awkward enough, suddenly getting sly messages about them being aware of your now existent sex life will.

Why is it that we talk so openly about one person’s skin color/height/weight/age etc. before marriage or in general but straight away walk out of conversations related to sex?

We have to start talking openly about sex and from an early age. It’s important to start educating kids and young adults about sex before puberty hits them, they should at least know that children are not born when gods shower blessings.

How hard is it to explain that children are born when male and female genital organs meet? There are plenty of books and YouTube videos if you’re a millennial parent and very fewer excuses to not get educated first. One can start slow and go the scientific way. Show them some short videos or draw figures and show it to them. Make it an exercise in curiosity and science, just like how you want them to learn about the world around them.

Sex is not a taboo; we need to stop seeing it that way. Sex is the sole reason we exist as beings. Education is the most powerful weapon in this world. When we educate others about sex, about menstruation, about puberty, people will be more aware of these things.

Let me narrate a small story which will put in perspective why I think about this so strongly. This is what I experienced when I was around 14 years and my sister were around 10. It was Saturday evening and we were happily walking around our colony to go meet our friends in the other building. Suddenly an old man came on his scooter and politely asked me if I can help him with an address. This was like 5 in the evening and we were in the middle of a busy road. He showed me a small card which had an address on it. As soon as I looked up to tell him that, I don’t know about this address he pointed his fingers towards his penis which was hanging out of his pant. I froze. My sister was too young to understand what was going on. But I knew that this was not right. There were thousands of things going on in my head at that moment. What if my sister sees that? What is this person trying to do? But then without blinking for another second I ran from that place with my sister in hand. My parents were just around the corner. I narrated what happened to them and eventually they did catch hold of that guy and as expected a lot of girls came out and spoke about the same thing happening to them. That incident is still so fresh in my head. I was not scared but I was disgusted. I felt like why would someone of that age do that? Sometimes when I look back, I think I was lucky to know what that person was doing was wrong and took the action accordingly. Trust me this was just one incident. I have faced quite a few like these and I am sure many boys and girls face such people almost on a daily basis.

Although, one can only dream of a day when sex, condoms, puberty, menstruation, kissing, hugging etc. become a regular discussion topic at family tea time it is important that they do. When your daughter or son walk down the street and are faced with the same scooter guy, or an uncle or an aunt right at home they’ve to be prepared and know what a good touch/bad touch is. They’ve to feel comfortable to tell you and not feel ashamed or shy to speak with you. You have to be the next generations’ support system in every which way.

Shruti

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Believes that world peace is possible only when people stop judging each other & start accepting more. Prefers to live life one cheesecake at a time. Ordinary girl with small needs and strong opinion about women’s rights & animal welfare.

#Funfact Would prefer to die being known as the crazy cat lady.

Is it ok to talk?

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When I think about sex education, I often (and admittedly biased) think about the impact it has on a woman’s life(being a woman that naturally comes to my mind). Whether she does not fully understand the physiology behind the seemingly mystical menstrual cycle, the options for contraception to prevent against STDs and pregnancy, or even the act of sex itself, discussing these topics has historically been a sticky issue. But what is most thought-provoking and exciting is the world where women have power through sex education and fundamental resources. Where a girl does not have to miss school because she does not have access to sanitary pads or tampons. Where a woman can understand the wonders of her body and man can grow in awareness and understanding of the taboo “period.” Is it fine to talk about puberty and masturbation openly?

But then I think, would I be comfortable talking to my parents about this? Or even a stranger? And do not even get me started on how terrifying it would be to talk to a stranger about sex education in the presence of my parents.

Recently, I traveled to a local mall in Bangalore and did just that. With one native friend and another friend from the U.S., we questioned different demographics of people, inquiring about their experience with sex education (whether it was discussed in schools, at home, or understood through the media). One thing that I found across all groups (including teenage boys, grandmothers, mothers, daughters, younger and maturing men, and couples) was an openness to talking about sex education. Whether or not people were just trying to be polite, most opened up and were transparent in what they knew and how they learned it.

Oftentimes, men did not know the meaning of a sanitary napkin. Most people did not have an understanding of contraception. I heard some people say that talking about sex was taboo. Others were involved in sex education themselves.

This diversity in experience and perspective reminded me of many accounts I have heard at home and at college. I have heard some stories of abstinence being the only sex education taught in rural Indiana. I have experienced a sex education where scare tactics were used by showing a slideshow of horrendous genitals infected by STDs in an all-girls, Catholic school. I know some people that received no sex education and did not know the physical meaning of sex until high school.

On a completely different note, I heard about the extensive and objective sex education given in some areas of California. I hear about the legislation being passed in New York to ensure that sanitary products are as accessible as soap in bathrooms (particularly in schools, prisons, and homeless shelters).

With such variety in opinion on the topic of sex education, where do we go from here? I hope to see a future where sex education is empowering and respectful of culture. So where do we start?

Kara Holinski

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